Just a moment ago, my daughter Rebecca texted me for good luck. Her text said, "Mom, you will rock." I love this. Getting that text was like getting a hug.
And so there you have it. I embody the central paradox.I'm a woman who loves getting texts who's going to tell you that too many of them can be a problem.
Actually that reminder of my daughter brings me to the beginning of my story. 1996, when I gave my first TED Talk, Rebecca was five years old and she was sit夏天的成语ting right there in the front row.
I had just written a book that celebrated 鹿关同寝our life on the internet and I was about to be on the cover of Wired magazine. In those heady days, we were experimenting with chat rooms and online virtual communities. We were exploring different aspects of ourselves.
那时我刚写了本书，庆祝我们的网络新生活。而且将要成为《连线》杂志 (Wired) 的封面人物。在那些令人陶醉的日子里，我们体验着网络聊天室和在线虚拟社区。我们正从不同的角度探索自己。
And then we unplugged. I was excited. And, as a psychologist, what excited me most was the idea that we would use what we learned in the virtual world about ourselves, about our identity, to live better lives in the real world.
Now fast-forward to 2012. I'm back here on the TED stage again. My daughter's 20. She's a college student. She sleeps with her cellphone, so do I. And I've just written a new book, but this time it's not onethat will get me on the cover of Wired magazine.
现在让我们快进到2012年我又重新回到了 TED 的讲台。我的女儿已经是一名20岁的大学生了。她睡觉都抱着她的手机。事实上我也是。我刚刚完成了一本新书，但是这一本却不会让我登上《连线》杂志的封面。
So what happened? I'm still excited by technology, but I believe, and I'm here to make the case, that we're letting it take us places that we don't want to go.
Over the past 15 years, I've studied technologies of mobile communication and I've interviewed hundreds and hundreds of people, young and old, about their plugged in lives.
And what I've found is that our little devices, those little devices in our pockets, are so psychologically powerful that they don't only change what we do, they change who we are.
Some of the things we do now wi聂th our devi童安格ces are things that, only a few years ago, we would have found odd or disturbing, but they've quickly come to seem familiar,just how we do things.
So just to take some quick examples: People text or do email during corporate board meetings. They text and shop and go on Facebook during classes, during presentations, actually during all meetings.
People talk to me about the important new skill of making eye contact while you're texting. (Laughter) People explain to me that it's hard, but that it can be done. Parents text and do email at breakfast and at dinnerwhile their children complain about not having their parents' full attention.
But then these same childrendeny each other their full attention. This is a recent shot of my daughter and her friends being togetherwhile not being together. And we even text at funerals. I study this. We remove ourselves from our grief or from our revery and we go into our phones.
Why does this matter? It matters to me because I think we're setting ourselves up for trouble — trouble certainly in how we relate to each other, but also trouble in how we relate to ourselves and our capacity for self-reflection.
We're getting used to a new way of being alone together. People want to be with each other, but also elsewhere — connected to all the different places they want to be. People want to customize their lives. They want to go in and out of all the places they are because the thing that matters most to them is control over where they put their attention.
我们越来越习惯这种新的"一起独处” 的相处方式。人们希望待在一起，是同时也 “在别处”—— 连线到他们想去的不同地方。人们想要定制他们的生活，想要在不同的场合和地点之间切换，因为对他们来说最重要的是控制和分配他们的精力。
So you want to go to that bo成人色情小说ard meeting, but you only want to pay attention to the bits that interest you. And some people think that's a good thing.But you can end up hiding from each other, even as we're all constantly connected to each other.
A 50-year-old business man lamented to me that he feels he doesn't have colleagues anymore at work.When he goes to work, he doesn't stop by to talk to anybody, he doesn't call. And he says he doesn't want to interrupt his colleagues because, he says, "They're too busy on their email."
But then he stops himself and he says, "You know, I'm not telling you the truth. I'm the one who doesn't want to be interrupted. I think I sh泡泡龙,TED讲演：为什么咱们常常联络，却依旧感到孤单？,监狱乐园ould want to, but actually I'd rather just do things on my Blackberry."
他说：“ 其实我没有说实话，”“ 我也不想让别人打扰我。”“ 我觉得我应该想（被打扰）的，”“ 但是实际上我更愿意用我的黑莓手机（联系别人）
Across the generations, I see that people can't get enough of each other, if and only if they can have each other at a distance, in amounts they can control. I call it the Goldilocks effect: not too close, not too far, just right.
不管哪一代人，我发现他们没法从彼此那里得到足够的关注—如果他们仅仅将彼此保持在一种可以控制的距离范围里。我把这种现象称作 Goldilocks 适宜效应：不太近，也不太远，刚刚好。
But what might feel just right for that middle-aged executive can be a problem for an adolescent who needs to develop face-to-face relationships. An 18-year-old boy who uses texting for almost everything s泡泡龙,TED讲演：为什么咱们常常联络，却依旧感到孤单？,监狱乐园ays to me wistfully, "Someday, someday, but certainly not now, I'd like to learn how to have a conversation."
When I ask people "What's wrong with having a conversation?" People say, "I'll tell you what's wrong with having a conversation. It takes place in real time and you can't control what you're going to say." So that's the bottom line.
Texting, email, posting, all of these things let us present the self as we want to be.We get to edit, and that means we get to delete, and that means we get to retouch, the face, the voice,the flesh, the body — not too little, not too much, just right.
Human relationships are rich and they're messy and they're demanding. And we clean them up with technology. And when we do, one of the things that can happen is that we sacrifice conversation for mere connection. We short-change ourselves. And over time, we seem to forget this, or we seem to stop caring.
I was caught off guard when Stephen Colbert asked me a profound question, a profound question. He said, "Don't all those little t退热贴weets, don't all those little sips of online communication, add up to one big gulp of real conversation?" My answer was no, they don't add up.
Stephen Colbert问过这样一个让我猝不及防的深刻的问题。非常深刻。他说：“ 难道那些微小的简短的在线交流的片段加在一起不能等同于真正的交谈吗？”我的回答是“不能”。 那些片段不能整合在一起。
Connecting in sips may work for gathering discrete bits of information, they may work for saying, "I'm thinking about you," or even for saying, "I love you," — I mean, look at how I felt when I got that text from my daughter — but they don't really work for learning about each other, for really coming to know and understand each other.
以这种小片段的方式交流可能可以收集到那些精心修饰过的信息，可能表达 “ 我在想你 ”， 甚至表达 “我爱你”， 的确， 想象一下接到女儿那条短信时我有多么高兴。但是那些小片段很难让我们互相了解，真正地了解和理解对方。
And we use conversations with each other to learn how to have conversations with ourse泡泡龙,TED讲演：为什么咱们常常联络，却依旧感到孤单？,监狱乐园lves. So a flight from conversation can really matter because it can compromise our capacity for self-reflection. For kids growing up, that skill is the bedrock of development.
Over and over I hear, "I would rather text than talk." And what I'm seeing is that people get so used to being short-changed out of real conversation, so used to getting by with less, that they've become almost willing to dispense with people altogether.
So for example, many people share with me this wish,that some day a more advanced version of Siri, the digital assistant on Apple's iPhone, will be more like a best friend, someone who will listen when others won't.
I believe this wish reflects a painful truth that I've learned in the past 15 years. That feeling that no one is listening to me is very important in our relationships with technology. That's why it's so appealing to have a Facebook page or a Twitter feed 。
so many automatic listeners. And the feeling that no one is listening to me make us want to spend timewith machines that seem to care about us.
We're d让对方死心塌地的巫术eveloping robots, they call them sociable robots, tha葱油饼t are specifically designed to be companions — to the elderly, to our children, to us. Have we so lost confidence that we will be there for each other?
During my research I worked in nursing homes, and I brought in these sociable robots that were designed to give the elderly the feeling that they were understood. And one day I came in and a woman who had lost a child was t樊登alking to a robot in the shape of a baby seal.
It seemed to be looking in her eyes. It seemed to be following the conversation. It comforted her. And many people found this amazing.
But that woman was trying to make sense of her life with a machine that had no experience of the arc of a human life. That robot put on a great show. And we're vulnerable. People experience pretend empathyas though it were the real thing.
So during that moment when that woman was experiencing that pretend empathy, I was thinking, "That robot can't empathize. It doesn't face death. It doesn't know life."
And as that woman took comfort in her robot companion, I didn't find it amazing; I found it one of the most wrenching, complicated moments in my 15 years of work. But when I stepped back,
I felt myself at the cold, hard center of a perfect storm. We expect more from technology and less from each other. And I ask myself, "Why have things come to this?"
And I believe it's because technology appeals to us most where we are most vulnerable. And we are vulnerable. We're lonely, but we're afraid of intimacy.
And so from social networks to sociable robots,we're designing technologies that will give us the illusion of c泡泡龙,TED讲演：为什么咱们常常联络，却依旧感到孤单？,监狱乐园ompanionship without the demands of friendship.
We turn羊肉不能和什么一起吃 to technology to help us feel connected in ways we can comfortably control. But we're not so comfortable. We are not so much in control.
These days, those phones in our pockets are changing our minds and hearts because they offer us three gratifying fantasies. One, that we can put our attention wherever we want it to be; two, that we will always be heard; and three, that we will never have to be alone.
And that third idea, that we will never have to be alone, is central to changing our psyches. Because the moment that people are alone红细胞压积, even for a few seconds, they become anxious, they panic, they fidget, they reach读后感格式 for a device.
Just think of people at a checkout line or at a red light. Being alone feels like a problem that needs to be solved. And so people try to solve it by connecting. But here, connection is more like a symptom than a cure.
It expresses, but it doe伯明翰大学sn't solve, an underlying problem. But more than a symptom, constant connection is changing the way people think of themselves. It's shaping a new way of being.
The best way to describe it is, I share therefore I am. We use technology to define ourselves by sharing our thoughts and feelings even as we're having them. So before it was: I have a feeling, I want to make a call.
对此最好描述是，“我分享，故我在。” 我们用技术来定义自己，分享我们的想法和感觉， 甚至在我们刚刚产生这些想法的时候。所以以前的情况是，我有了一个想法，我想打电话告诉别人。
Now it's: 泡泡龙,TED讲演：为什么咱们常常联络，却依旧感到孤单？,监狱乐园I want to have a feeling, I need to send a text. The problem with this new regime of "I share therefore I am" is that, if we don't have connection, we don't feel like ourselves. We almost don't feel ourselves.
现在，事情变成了，我想要有个想法， 所以我需要发短信告诉别人。 这种 “我分享，故我在”的问题在于，如果我们跟别人断了联系，我们就感觉不再是自己了。我们几乎感觉不到自己的存在了。
So what do we do? We connect more and more. But in the process, we set ourselves up to be isolated.How do you get from connection to isolation?
You end up isolated if you don't cultivate the capacity for solitude, the ability to be separate, to gather yourself. Solitude is where you find yourself so that you can reach out to other people and form real attachments.
When we don't have the capacity for solitude, we turn to other people in order to feel less anxious or in order to feel alive. When this happens, we're not able to appreciate who they are. It's as though we're using them as spare parts to support our fragile sense of self.
We slip into thinking that always being connected is going to make us feel less alone. But we're at risk, because actually it's the opposite that's true. If we're not able to be alone, we're going to be more lonely.
And if we don't teach our children to be alone, they're only going to know how to be lonely.When I spoke at TED in 1996, reporting on my studies of the early virtual communities,
I said, "Those who make the most of their lives on the screen come to it in a spirit of self-reflection." And that's what I'm calling for here, now: reflection and, more than that, a conversation about where our current use of technology may be taking us, what it might be costing us.
We're smitten with technology. And we're afraid, like young lovers, that too much talking might spoil the romance. But it's time to talk. We grew up with digi加勒比tal technology and so we see it as all grown up. But it's not, i宝兴天气t's early days.
There's plenty of time for us to reconsider how we use it, how we build it. I'm not suggesting that we turn away 吉加力from our devices, just that we develop a more self-aware relationship with them, with each other and with ourselves.
I see some first steps. Start thinking of solitude as a good thing. Make room for it. Find ways to 泡泡龙,TED讲演：为什么咱们常常联络，却依旧感到孤单？,监狱乐园demonstrate this as a value to your children. Create sacred spaces at home — the kitchen, the dining room — and reclaim them for conversation.
Do the same thing at work. At work, we're so busy communicating that we often don't have time to think, we don't have time to talk, about the things that really matter. Change that.
Most important, we all really need to listen to each other, including to the boring bits. Because it's when we stumble or hesitate or lose our words that we reveal ourselves to each other.
Technology is making a bid to redefine human connection — how we care for each other, how we care for ourselves — but it's also giving us the opportunity to affirm our values and our direction. I'm optimistic.
We have everything we need to start. We have each 泡泡龙,TED讲演：为什么咱们常常联络，却依旧感到孤单？,监狱乐园other. And we have the greatesk7713t chance of success if we recognize our vulnerability. That we listen when technology says it will take something complicated and promises something simpler.
So in my work, I hear that life is hard, relationships are filled with risk. And then there's technology —simpler, hopeful, optimistic, ever-young. It's like calling in the cavalry.
在我的工作中， 我常常听到“生活很难”，“人际关系充满风险”云云。 然后技术出现了，更简单，充满希望，乐观而充满朝气。就像天降一位专家，解决所有烦恼。
An ad campaign promises that online and with avatars, you can "Finally, love your friends love your body, love your life, online and with avatars." We're drawn to virtual romance, to computer games that seem like worlds, to the idea that robots, robots, will someday be our true companions.
一个系列广告这样说：在线使用虚拟形象(avartar) 系统，你 “最终就可以爱你的朋友， 爱你自己，爱你的生活，如此简单。”我们被虚拟的爱情吸引，被电脑游戏营造的奇幻世界吸引，也被“机器人将会变成我们最好的伴侣”的想法所吸引。
We spend an evening on the social networkinstead of going to the pub with friends.But our fantasies of substitution have cost us.
Now we all need to focus on the many, many waystechnology can lead us back to our real lives, our own bodies, our own communities, our own politics,our own planet. They need us.
Let's talk about how we can use digital technology, the technology of our dreams, to make this life the life we can love.Thank you.